Cobra Scorpion Whiskey Recipe

How to Make Your Very Own Thai Cobra Scorpion Whisky (Because Why Not?)

This whiskey recipe contains a detailed step-by-step guide to making your own Thai Cobra Scorpion Whiskey.

Feeling adventurous? Ready to make your own Thai Cobra Scorpion Whiskey (a.k.a. “Snake Whiskey”)? Perfect. We consulted experts, ancient texts, and even Google—then ditched all that and asked our old neighbor, Mr. Lee, who knew a guy in Chinatown, who played Mahjong with a guy in Thailand. It all seemed legit. Here’s what you’ll need, besides nerves of steel and questionable judgment.

Ingredients

1 Large bottle
1 Large venomous snake, preferably a cobra (extra points if it’s angry)
1 Large scorpion, preferably stingy
Ginger, because it tastes nice
Ginseng, for brain power
1 snake-bite kit (just in case)
1 scorpion-bite kit (just kidding, you can re-use the snake-bite kit)

Directions

Step 1: Capture a large venomous snake. Easy, right? No big deal—just grab your Indiana Jones hat and maybe call your mom to tell her you love her. If you get bitten, relax! You have about 30 minutes to live. The perfect amount of time to apply your snake-bite ointment and reconsider life choices.
Step 2: Capture a venomous scorpion. This one should be easy—you just caught a cobra! Same rule applies: if bitten, apply ointment (or reapply the same ointment from Step 1).
Step 3: Put on thick gloves. This probably should’ve been Step 1, but hindsight is 20/20.
Step 4: Stuff the animals into a large bottle. Yes, you’ll have to bend, snap, and contort them into place. It’s like yoga, but for venomous creatures. (Don’t forget to seal the bottle.)
Step 5: Pour in grain alcohol and ethanol. The more, the merrier! The alcohol *should* neutralize the venom, and if it doesn’t, well…that’s a problem for future you.
Step 6: Pray to Buddha (or your favorite deity). This part is optional, but highly recommended.
Step 7: Add your favorite herbs and spices. Ginger and ginseng will do, but feel free to throw in some lemongrass or cinnamon.
Step 8: Let the bottle sit for a few months (or years). Place it somewhere on your shelf, and contemplate your next meme coin purchase while the venomous essence infuses with the alcohol. Don’t open it. Just don’t.
Step 9: Pour yourself a stiff glass. Don’t sip. Take a deep breath, salute your ingenious self, and knock it back. Regret comes later.
Step 10: Proceed to your local ER. Alternatively, your local strip club is considered a responsible substitute.

Important Note

If you’re actually bitten by a cobra or scorpion, please rely on a non-close, sorta annoying neighbor to suck the poison out. This is definitely not medical advice. If you are looking for medical advice, Poison Control can be reached at 1-800-222-1222. Good luck, amigos.