As everyone knows, Philadelphia is irredeemable. The fans are awful, it doesn’t matter which team. If you have a connecting flight at the airport, you better be prepared to be stranded for days. Its most notable cuisine is a grade-D meat sandwich covered in nacho cheese. Even the Liberty Bell is broken.

Yes, true, some of the girls are very hot. But let’s be real, if Philly separated from the eastern seaboard and sunk into the Atlantic Ocean, most of humanity would celebrate. That said, despite all of this irredeemableness, there is one establishment known to provide comfort and joy to all, and that’s worth fighting for.

Delilah’s Den, nestled under the bucolic I-95 overpass, is blissfully surrounded by abandoned warehouses and Conex boxes. The institution is located at 100 Spring Garden Street. And what a Spring Garden it is! The oversized parking lot is flanked by overgrown fields of weeds and invasive species. You can hear the sounds of nature as the Philly mafia dumps one of their marks in the river, a gentle splash of water as the body disappears into lapping waves.

Miss the thrill of combat? Well, you’re in luck. They’ve got you covered. Maybe you’ll arrive at the front door just as a denied patron tries to snipe you from across the street with his AR-15. And once you’ve ducked inside, you’ll note how clean the establishment is. It’s as spick-and-span as a Navy ship after sweepers. But rather than rely on unmotivated seamen, this establishment is cleaned by motivated dancers who know a lot about semen. In fact, it’s so clean, the dancers graciously pay 20% of their hard-earned Champagne Room cash for the privilege of sweeping floors.

Now there are some ethical concerns. One prior dancer is suing this fine organization for violating the Fair Labor Standards Act. She claims that she was required to perform “private dances” for more than an hour in the Champagne Room. Obviously this is a frivolous lawsuit.  Unless you’re Jeff Bezos, no strip club patron has the personal stamina or wallet capacity for an hour-long Champagne Room.

Hungry from your travels and hour-long dances? Not to worry. Not only is Delilah’s a fine dancing establishment, it is one of Philadelphia’s greatest steak houses. Forget Capital Grille or Del Frisco’s, Delilah’s will fill you with more meat than a Fogo de Brazil. Not into meat? Not a problem. Order yourself a salmon filet with a side of potatoes and shamelessly eat like the pescatarian stripper-king you are.

Our final assessment: If you’re there to enjoy Philly’s traditional hosting of the Army-Navy game, there’s plenty of parking out front and the ladies are always welcoming. As one patron wrote in their Yelp review, “My favorite are the massages… get one, it’s totally worth it.” We will, sir. We’ll gladly pay $180 and be charged $720 because as much as we hate Philly, we love Delilah’s Den and visit every time.