The Only Thanksgiving Ingredient You Actually Need
Ingredients:
- Wild Turkey bourbon.
- A crystal glass.
Directions:
- Step 1: Sneak away to the liquor cabinet,
- Step 2: Find your secret stash of Kentucky Straight Bourbon,
- Step 3: Pour 3 fingers of whiskey, 4 if you’re stuck talking to Uncle Fred,
- Step 4: Consume,
- Step 5: Repeat.
Please Note: All bourbon substitutes are acceptable.
We’ve shaken, poured, and tested some of the best recipes out there. This is the Only ONE that Matters!
OK, straight up—we tried everything in our quest to find the ULTIMATE Thanksgiving Day cocktail. It needed to be perfect. It needed to be delicious. Most importantly, it needed to get us through 12 hours with the in-laws. But nothing, absolutely nothing, met our (admittedly low) standards.
All Appeared Lost
We tried. Trust us, we really did.
We experimented with Jell-O shots and Tijuana strippers. We gave Apple Cider Margaritas a go. We even took a swing at Apple Pie Bourbon shots. We Googled night and day, diving into the endless abyss of “festive” drink recipes. Go ahead, try it yourself—search “Thanksgiving drink recipes” and watch your screen light up with an array of Pinterest-perfect cocktails. But let’s be honest, unless you identify as Martha Stewart, none of them are realistic.
That’s right. Nothing foot the bill. Absolutely nothing.
Seriously, who has pear juice lying around? Who keeps apricot brandy in their liquor cabinet? And who the hell owns pumpkin juice?
Answer: No one.
We began to despair. How were we supposed to listen to Uncle Ted endless political rants while grating nutmeg? How could we measure the exact amount of cinnamon while mom complained about dad’s sex life? Worst of all, who the hell has time to make cinnamon whiskey? Nobody.
If you’re willing to go to extraordinary lengths, we do have a few other recipes you can try.
Great-Grandma Alice
We were about to throw in the towel, distraught at having to be sober while watching the Lions play football. When out of the blue, we found our shining light of perpetual wisdom. Great-Grandma Alice.
That’s right, Great-Grandma Alice — survivor of the Great Depression, valiant stalwart during World War II, maker of many a Thanksgiving turkeys — popped up from her wheelchair and shuffled to the liquor cabinet like a cowboy sore from his horse. She kicked open the door and dug deep in the shadows. Glasses clattered. Bottles fell from the cabinet. Dust floated in the air. She coughed, then mumbled, “There you are, my old friend.”
Stepping back from the cupboard, she held a bottle of Wild Turkey aloft like she had just drawn Excalibur from the stone. Without hesitation, she pivoted to the china cabinet, grabbed a crystal glass in her wrinkled hand, and poured herself three fat fingers of the Dirty Bird. And as quickly as it hit the glass, it was gone.
Salvation
This shining beacon of Thanksgiving enlightenment shook us to our core and saved our holiday. After tossing every other cocktail recipe in the trash, we realized the answer had been staring us in the face all along. What should we drink this Thanksgiving? The answer was as timeless and wise as she was: bourbon.
Thank you, Great-Grandma Alice. You’re a life-saver.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
